Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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