wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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