why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
