I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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