i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
