Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
