apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
