I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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