ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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