You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
