3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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