you will always have a special place in my vag
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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