Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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