I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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