I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
