My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
