im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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