marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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