I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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