naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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