Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
