I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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