Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
