Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
