Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
