I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
