He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
