i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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