Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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