Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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