did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
