I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
