why didn't you poke me back
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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