just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize