She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
