your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Randomize
