not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
