wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish you could order shots online.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
