I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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