happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
