the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
