I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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