Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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