ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
