i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
