On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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