Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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