The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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