see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
