Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
