I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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