I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
