My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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