you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
