Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
