I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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