I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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